couple-fightingAttempts to resolve conflicts most often fail because the participants are coming to the process with a two-ness instead of a oneness perspective.
A conflict comes up when two parties…
– want a limited resource,
– don’t want an  unpleasant thing,
– want respect, or an apology,
– and so forth
When we approach the thing between us , we tend to think of ourselves as separate and discreet entities in competition. We enter a contest to get our share of whatever it is between us.
What we don’t usually do, is intuit ourselves as part of a unified whole.
What we don’t usually do, is join forces with our adversary to contend for the good of the whole system.
That’s just crazy!
i winTo successfully navigate the 5% (see last post) requires an elevated level of consciousness. We need to see ourselves not as a part, but as a whole. We need to position ourselves to negotiate for the well-being of the entire system. You and I are parts of the you-me network even more than we are just you and me. Further, the whole also includes the kids, the budget, the neighbor, and the planet. Our conflicts often do not succeed, because we think we can squabble for our share of the thing between us without taking the whole into account.
But if, as we’ve been talking about lately, we’re part of a oneness rather than a two-ness, I cannot win, if you don’t also win.
It is an illusion to believe that I can vanquish you in a conflict.
one-or-two-wayWhen you and I are one, our win must be a shared win – good for you and good for me.
When we think of ourselves as a two-ness, we only consider ourselves in a conflict. I am me, you are you, and it is my job to protect myself.
If you’ve tried this approach, you learn pretty quickly that doesn’t work. Of course not.  We’ve seen that two-ness is not the true nature of reality. Oneness is.
Some approach conflict with a gentler temperament and consider it noble… or Christian… or high-minded…  to yield to the other in the conflict. These are willing to sacrifice themselves in order to preserve the peace. But this doesn’t work either. It doesn’t take long for this approach to breed debilitating resentment.
The whole includes both you and me, and conflicts cannot be resolved unless a negotiated outcome is good for you and me.

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